Spammy – Gaddafi Lives!

•January 27, 2015 • Comments Off on Spammy – Gaddafi Lives!

From: Dr.Mrs. Ayesha Mustafa (customerservices.unionbnkplc@gmail.com)

Subject: Please Reply ASAP

Dearest, (Assalaamu Alaykum) My name is Dr.Mrs. Ayesha Mustafa from Libya and also a reputed Woman in Libyan government who deny the evil of Gaddafi the Libya leader whom had coercion Libyan people to be under his regime When average people survive with $2 per day.

The Gaddafi that’s been dead since 2011? And while we’re fact checking the average Libyan actually survives on about $39.92 per day, not an awesome sum but certainly better than many countries with only 7% or so living below the poverty line.

Libya is the second oil producing country in the entire surface of this Earth but her citizens live in poorest condition according to international standard.

No, not quite. You see the Libya is 27th in oil production and is 55th on the list of countries with high human development, ahead of Russia, Brazil and China.

I write this to see if you could help me to keep the sum of USD$6,000,000.00 Million with you for my Kids as most of our House and asset is taking by Gaddafi loyalist when he was alive. I am not sure if I would live more but in case anything happens to me I would like you to help me keep USD$6,000,000.00 Million which is right here as I write for my Kids since I might not survive this situation Aftermath.

I would think that someone that is writing from the customer service account of a bank would have better places to hide money… in… I don’t know… a bank maybe…

I have a relation who is an army official and a loyalist to Gaddafi that will help me in the transfer of these money and give back to my kids when the right time Come. My kids names are A’shadieeyah, Aadila, Amin.

Maybe your Gaddafi loyalist relation should speak to the Gaddafi loyalist that is trying to take your money?

But my husband was shut when he announced his resignation when Gaddafi was alive. What you are to do is take 30% of this money and keep the rest for my Kids in case I couldn’t make it. If you accept to help me please provide information on Where this money were to be send and how you can pick up. All Arrangement and process to transfer the money is ready.

You husband was shut?!

I know this is unconstitutional asking this favor from you but been a human being Consider Libyan people on this scenario .This is worst tragedy and inhuman Treatment and infringement in people’s life and freedom. If you do consider Helping me email me back because I can’t answer a phone call at this Juncture as all calls is monitored by the tyrant and United Nations. I will anticipate and appreciate your immediate acceptance to help me. I will update you in furtherance to get the money out from here.

You’re being monitored by a dead tyrant AND the UN? You may have bigger problems… I hear that if you put aluminum foil on your walls and windows that it will prevent the aliens from reading your thoughts…might work in this case too.

Finally, find attached my Passport, Picture of my children, Transfer Slip and Statement of Account for your perusal. Reply to me in my confidential and private email: (ayesha-mustafa@hotmail.com) Hope to hear from you soon. Remain Bless. Dr.Mrs. Ayesha Mustafa

Posted in Spam Spam Spam

Dear C – Sea of Jelly Faces

•January 26, 2015 • Comments Off on Dear C – Sea of Jelly Faces

Dear Cthulhu,

I received your message late last night, though this one may take a considerable amount of time to decipher, being surrounded by a sea of singing, human faced, jelly fish and discovering that I could walk on them to safety if I stepped quickly and lightly and avoided their mouths (the one bite lingered an hour past waking) was certainly inventive. I have to admit that the anxiety of balancing on bitey faces was higher than I would have guessed but reaching shore to a chorus of “It’s February 2nd” was enough terror to not only wake me but to propel me right out of bed with the fear that I’d forgotten to pay all of my bills. Well done!

Speaking of nightmare worthy, have you seen the newest idol in your likeness the Glow-in-the-Dark Cthulhu? It’s quite well made I think; perfect for fooling the unsuspecting masses into believing that you could be very cuddly and not a horrific force bent on the subjugation of humanity. I predict it will find it’s way into many homes and offices.

Your Dedicated Disciple

Posted in Dear Cthulhu, Writing

Tomorrow Will Be Better Because?

•January 22, 2015 • Comments Off on Tomorrow Will Be Better Because?

Tomorrow will be better because _______?

 

Because all tomorrows are better! It’s a fresh slate, a blank canvas, and opportunity to take everything  you’ve failed at, learned from and apply it all to a new day. At worst you will have more failures tomorrow at best you’ll slide through on a wave of awesomeness. Neither of which really worry me all that much. Some failures naturally bring some angst, say a bad root canal or totally flubbing a public speaking event, but overall tomorrow is really only ever trumped by the moment I’m having right now.

Posted in Plinky Prompts, Question Time

Peevish – Top 10 Driving Peeves

•January 21, 2015 • Comments Off on Peevish – Top 10 Driving Peeves

Top 10 Driving Peeves

Grrrrrrr!!

1.The Must Get Into The Left Lane NOW So I Can Go Slower Than Everyone Else Driver

Where are these people from?! What kind of madness causes human beings to barge their way across 3 lanes of traffic all going at normal speeds to then settle into the far left lane going 10 miles UNDER the speed limit? They receive extra idiot points from me when there isn’t actually any cars in the lanes to the right.

2.The Stop Sign? What Stop Sign? Driver

I see these in every shopping center around me. No ma’am the stop sign wasn’t for you, I realize that your Mercedes comes with a pass on all traffic rules. The perils of living in a no-fault on private property state, I suppose.

Occasionally I will encounter one of these out in the wild and am always amazed at how the do not seem to understand that there are rules…like coming to a stop for instance and looking both ways before you slide into the intersection.

3.The Texting While on Your @ss Driver

A few years ago I was in middle lane, stuck in super slow traffic when I noticed a car merge into the lane just behind me. The gentleman was simultaneously trying to check the lane to our left, read a very important text and get as close to my bumper as possible.

He swung into that left lane just in time to get the side of his car completely redecorated by the van he almost collided with.

4.The Texting While Swerving All Over the Damn Highway Driver

Just like most drunks, habitual texters must really believe they have magical driving powers that will keep them safe. If you believe this – YOU DO NOT! The roads are not completely straight, your tires are likely not evenly worn and you probably need a realignment. This means your car is going to go all over the place once you stop paying attention.

What’s sad is that I see more of these now than I ever did of drunk drivers.

5.The Itsy Bitsy Spider Singing Driver

In an honestly pretty amusing exception to the above, one morning I found myself behind a swerving SUV, I cautiously pulled in the left lane to pass and as I got closer I recognized the hand gestures being used. Here was a mom, probably driving her wee ones to daycare, on the highway, going 70 miles an hour, while singing along to Itsy Bitsy Spider. Not a bad thing UNLESS you choose to do so while looking at your children in the rear view and doing all the little hand gestures – with BOTH hands.

Not like you need to look or hold onto the steering wheel while driving, right?!

6.The Having a Complete Meltdown Driver

I think there should be an update to the HURT acronym of when to avoid getting into arguments. It should really be HURT’D. No arguing when you’re driving and when I say arguing I mean red faced screaming into your phone while pounding on the dash and almost running into everyone around you.

Pull over, take a breath and get it over with before you get back on the road.

7.The What’s a Merge Lane? Driver

This one is right up there with #1. Just about every morning I encounter at least one driver that does not understand what the merge lane is for. Sometimes they decide they must cut someone off at the tail of the lane even though no one is in front of them for 100’s of feet, sometimes it’s the douche in the lane you’re merging into who decides that even though you have the right of way (because you’re ahead of them) that they must get all the way up against the driver in front of them so that you can’t possibly get in front of them or my favorite…

8.The Stopped in the Middle of the Road Driver

Maybe they were afraid to nudge into the merge lane, or to risk crossing on a red light, have to finish that text or get flustered and just decide the can’t possible go on. Parking your car in the middle of the lane, at an intersection or (seriously) IN the intersection is just the rudest thing possible. Go with the tide people!

9.The in the Wrong Lane Everyone Must Stop for Me Driver

Let’s say your driving along in the middle lane and you realize you need to turn at the next intersection. Do you –

•Put of your turn signal and merge as soon as possible.

•Hit the gas and try to pass all those suckers beside you before swerving into the lane just barely make your turn.

•Lalalalalalalalalalalala until you reach your turn, slam on your breaks and start trying to merge.

Sigh!

10.The Pass You, Cut You Off, Slam on the Brakes Driver.

I consider myself blessed that I’ve only encountered one of these in the wild. I’m on the highway in the evening, heading home after a long day when I realize I’ve got a car right on my rear so close I can’t even see his bumper. Normally I’d move to the right and let them pass me but on this occasion the lane to the right was at a stop. (Probably for #8 or #9) The genius behind me decides to swing into the HOV lane, then swing right back in front of me and promptly slam on his brakes, no doubt to teach me that leaving two-three car lengths in front of me open when I have a stopped wall of traffic to the right and an HOV lane to the left while maintaining a normal rate of speed was totally ruining his day. Totally!

Posted in Peevish
Tags: , ,

Humor – The Difference Between Slow and Stop

•January 20, 2015 • Comments Off on Humor – The Difference Between Slow and Stop

A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff. He thinks he’s smarter being a big shot lawyer from New York and has a better education than an sheriff from West Virginia. The sheriff asks for license and registration.

The lawyer asks, “What for?”

The sheriff responds, “You didn’t come to a complete stop at the stop sign.”

The lawyer says, “I slowed down and no one was coming.”

“You still didn’t come to a complete stop. License and registration please,” say the sheriff impatiently.

The lawyer says, “If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I’ll give you my license and registration and you can give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don’t give me the ticket.”

The sheriff says, “That sounds fair, please exit your vehicle.” The lawyer steps out and the sheriff takes out his nightstick and starts beating the lawyer with it.

The sheriff says, “Do you want me to stop or just slow down?”

Posted in Funny or Not
Tags: ,

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