Dear Cthulhu – Nov 5
I’ve been feeling rather generous lately which has caused my list of suitable sacrifices to dwindle, however I have a very interesting specimen that I believe may be someone quite exceptional for your specific tastes; an incredibly average man, age, height, weight, intelligence, potential all within the normal ranges but completely and utterly unaware of himself (failings especially), his surroundings, his impact on others and therefore completely stress and anxiety free. Yes, I said completely STRESS FREE when by all accounts he should be a giant ball of anxiety. HE.MUST.BE.STOPPED! What if it gets out that ignorance is your nemesis?! I know, right?!
Holla back and I’ll get you his address…
In the meantime is there something you can do about viruses? They significantly impede this loyal servant’s progress and cause them to take medications that dull their senses and force them to lay around for days watching marathons of The Real Housewives or Snapped or Long Island Medium, all of which I’m certain damage brain cells long term. You may want to consider looking into that… And another thing, my fleshy human overlords, like most, don’t seem to care about making their minions work under the influence of viruses, totally disregarding the potential issues that can happen when febrile, confused and often drowsy folks are toiling away on complicated tasks. Think about it, you could be the only overlord to honor sick days!! Something to add to your stump speech perhaps somewhere in between world domination and smotin’ bitches.
PS: I’m wearing your shirt today, silly humans thinking that Godzilla would EVER have a chance against you.