What I have to work with…

•July 23, 2009 • Comments Off on What I have to work with…

Back Story

Ed had a project that wasn’t going well; the customer started to panic and asked me to step in. Ed doesn’t work for me, in fact he’s in an entirely different department but we do work together pretty often and normally have a good relationship. With that in mind I tried to keep him aware of what I was doing to get this project done on time and I copied him on the final result. His response to the result was to criticize my methods and question the validity of the data. Buried in the critique was a very nicely worded pat on the back directed at me BUT it was buried. Normally, this wouldn’t bother me because it’s common and frankly he didn’t deliver…I did. What did bother me was that he chose to copy a bunch of executives on the email and I called him on it stating that I didn’t appreciate the derision.

9ish via IM

Ed: When you get a chance can we talk about this?

Me: Ed, I understand that you’ve been and probably are still under a lot of stress but you’ve done and said some things that were not cool the last 24hrs. You just need to give me some time.

11ish via IM

Ed: Can I take you out to lunch?

Me: No, I’m really too busy today.

Ed: Can I take you out for coffee later? Just 10 minutes, we really need to talk.

Me: Not today.

Ed: We should really sort this out.

 Me: Not today Ed, really.

1ish in person

Ed: Coffee?

Me: Not now, I’m afraid I’d push you into moving traffic.

(I was smiling when I said it – really!)

2ish via IM

Ed: I’m just trying to understand what I did or said. I can’t correct it if I don’t know.

Me: I understand that and will be willing to talk that over, later. Not today.

Ed: I don’t like it when you’re upset with me; I’m just trying to understand.

3ish via IM

(Ed finds a small data issue and asks me what happened. It’s not uncommon for some of the smaller updates to have a successful run status when in fact they did not complete. It’s a bug err feature.)

Ed: What went wrong?

Me: I don’t know, everything ran normally – no errors.

Ed: That’s comforting…

Me: Are you trying to piss me off?

(Oh yeah I’m cranky)

Ed: Are you seriously going to leave it at you don’t know?

(DEEP BREATH)

Me: As I said all of the jobs ran normally, no errors. 

Ed: That’s really not acceptable.

(Incoming…)

Me: You can choose to deflect your own recent failures by amplifying a small system issue. If that is what you want to do go right ahead. I’d be more than happy to have someone look into the issue when we have time.

Ed: What do you mean my failures?

(D’Oh…did I say that?!)

Me: The update is complete, please check the data and let me know if you need anything else.

Ed: Its fine.

4ish via IM

Ed: I’m really hurt that you would say something like that to me: “You can choose to deflect your own recent failures”. You’re someone that I respect. That really hurts me that you think of me like that. We really need to talk this through.

(DEEPER BREATH)

Me: I’m very sorry that I hurt your feelings. I am frustrated by your words and actions the last 24 hours but I should not have taken that out on you in that way. I hope that you will give some time to catch up at work and also put this into perspective so that we can have a constructive talk.

(I get a call from my boss. “Why does Ed want to talk to me?”)

5ish via IM

Me: Is that ok?

Ed: Yep…I’m OK…I just want you to be.

Me: I mean with talking next week. I’m not trying to sweep this under the rug.

Ed: Yes…that’s OK. I apologized to your boss and he shared a different perspective than what I got from my higher ups. It was helpful.

(You apologized to MY boss?! MF’r!!)

Me: Ok then let’s plan on going to lunch next week somewhere fun.

Ed: Cool… I sincerely appreciate you and no game playing is intended. I understand how the message came across. Realize too I didn’t get the project until it had already been mishandled by another group.

Me: We’re all really stressed

Ed: Hang in there… I appreciate you and what you did. I couldn’t have done it.

Me: Thanks for saying that. Gnight.

6ish via email

I just wanted to let you know…

(Insert 645 words of poorly constructed justification here.)

…I told everyone that it was very complex data and that if anyone were capable of joining them reliably, it would be you. Either way Oden, I understand trust is a tricky thing between us.  I hope that you and I can always trust each other and speak frankly to each other. While I don’t always get you, I still always dig you!

 The next day…

8ish via IM

Ed: Good morning! I appreciate everything you do!

(Frightened)

Me: Thanks, Ed. Good morning to you too.

Ed: I hope you have a great day!

(I hope you seek counseling)

Ed: I’m really looking forward to lunch next week. Talk to you later.

Note: Lunch is next Wednesday….W00t!!

Posted in Uncategorized

WORDS WOMEN (Mis) USE

•June 22, 2009 • 3 Comments

This is full of gross exagerations and broad stereotypes but I’m procrastinating on another post so enjoy this one…

FINE!
This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

FIVE MINUTES
If she is getting dressed, this is half an hour.  Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

NOTHING
This is the calm before the storm; this means ‘Something’ and you should be on your toes.   Arguments that begin with ‘Nothing’ usually end in ‘Fine’.

GO AHEAD
This is a DARE, not permission.  Don’t do it!

LOUD SIGH
This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men.   A ‘Loud Sigh’ means she thinks you are an idiot  and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over  ‘Nothing’.

THAT’S  OKAY
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to  a  man.   ‘That’s Okay’ means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

THANKS
A woman is thanking you.  Do not question it or faint.  Just say you’re welcome.

Posted in Fun with Stereotypes

PHB June

•June 4, 2009 • Comments Off on PHB June

The latest motivational interaction with my self-described ‘people person’ executive…

For the last six months or so I have left the office at 3pm on Tuesdays in order to handle afamily responsibility. Given that I normally put in well over 60 hours a week and am on call 24/7 50 weeks a year, my boss hasn’t had any issue with this. Not that big of a deal.

So, this past Tuesday, my boss is out of the office leaving me in direct range of said executive:

Phone rings…sigh…

Me: “Hello”

Him: “How are you?”

(The feeling of dread slowly growing.)

Me: “I’m well, thank you and you?”

(I’m hoping it’s a simple request and thinking that I could have said that I was being tortured by a giant slow loris with glowing fuschia eyes because I can hear him shuffling papers – he isn’t listening.)

Him: “Mmhmm. Our meeting today at 4, do we need to go over anything prior?”

(Dread meter PEGGED)

Me: “I’m sorry, which meeting is this? I’m not in the office after 3 today.”

< Click >

Yes, the ‘people person’ hung up on me. I wish I could say I was stunned. I go back to whatever I was working on.

Phone rings…heavier sigh…

Me: “Hello”

Him: “Is there anything I need to know?”

(Hmmm “My soul dies a little every time we speak?” Perhaps not. Crap! I still don’t know what this meeting is about.)

Me: “Everything is proceeding as planned.”

(Wha?! I’m pretty sure it is!)

Him: “We’re on target?”

Me: “Yes, sir.”

< Click >

Yes, the ‘people person’ hung up on me twice in the span of 10 minutes.

Ok so I can look at the conversation now and see where I went wrong. I could have addressed his question “do we need to go over anything prior” and thereby softening the impact of my absence by addressing any fears he might have at not being prepared or able to manage it himself. When he called back I could have apologized again, offered to stay late or to provide him with a copy of one of the six status reports I give him every month (Don’t get me started on that) or I could have drawn up an overview of whatever it was that he was calling about.

Yup, I sure could have.

Posted in Uncategorized

The One

•June 4, 2009 • 4 Comments

I was chatting with a friend today about her one. Not ‘THE ONE’ as in a soul mate but the one you can’t seem to leave alone.  Most of us have had a one, that person who you cared for despite logic, the opinions of friends and even your own intuition. The one you stuck by regardless of the pain they caused, the anxiety of trying to maintain a relationship with them and the fear deep down inside that it would never ever work.

These ones flit in and out of your life; sometimes causing ripples and other times real damage but never sticking around long enough to pick up the pieces. That’s just not their style. They know just how to push your buttons and manipulate you; they suck you in and bleed you dry. Yet you anticipate their return. Maybe just a little shamefully. Thing is with these ones there is never smooth sailing. It’s always high intensity or vast stretches of nothingness. Either way you’re twisting in the wind and hoping desperately for calm and certainty. Reading, analyzing, reaching.

I sit here now thinking back a bit wistfully over all the times mine has come and gone. All the havoc he can cause and how good it can be to be near him.  I no longer love him, thankfully, that passed awhile ago. I do think about him, often, mostly fondly but at times with a profound sadness and a little bit of longing for what I thought was there. After eight years, I finally let him go for good almost a year ago. One final last ditch effort to feel at home with him ended in the realization that he wasn’t really what I needed. That for all his appearances of being present and oh so attentive he never was really there at all.

I feel, at times, like these ones are an addiction. You try and try so many times to walk away only to let them back in when they appear at just the wrong moment – every single time. A few years ago in one of those moments I wrote the following on my old blog. I think it’s still good advice. You just may need to practice a few times to get it right.

I’m considering starting my own 12 step-ish self help group. There are all kinds of these groups out there in the world; alcoholics, overeaters, drug and sex addicts. Where are the group for those of us who can’t leave are exes alone? Where are the interventions? Where is that road map of easy steps to follow for ridding the unhealthy people from your life?

My suggestions…

Write a closure letter. Include everything that he or she did to hurt, aggravate or piss you off. Put in everything that you ever wanted to say to them but didn’t have the nerve or opportunity to.

Keep the letter. Anytime you feel like calling or get a phone call read it BEFORE you dial or answer.

I highly recommend boxing up keepsakes and remembrances for at least a year. You may think that photo on your nightstand is perfectly fine – trust me it is not.

Make an effort to start replacing your ex with friends. If you always went to the same coffee shop with your ex on Sunday mornings, find a friend to go through that ritual with you until it longer feels like a couple thing. Until it no longer hurts.

Wallow for short periods. Schedule it if you have to but do not let it interfere with your life. Do everything and anything that makes you feel good about you.

Start dating. Even if it leads to nothing at all, getting out there and meeting new people is always good.

It will get better. It will pass.

Posted in Relationships

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