January 2017 Haiku

•January 4, 2017 • Comments Off on January 2017 Haiku

January, the
month of creativity,
setting goals and soup.

Frolicking in snow
Sounds like fun but I prefer
Frolicking in sun.

It’s odd that Creampuff
And Weigh-in Day are the same.
A coincidence?

We should consider
If opposite is better
Than being the same.

If organizing
Is the right natural state
Why aren’t we always?

Holmes and Watson go Camping

•January 3, 2017 • Comments Off on Holmes and Watson go Camping

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they laid down for the night, and went to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. “Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”

Watson replied, “I see millions and millions of stars.”

“What does that tell you?”

Watson pondered for a minute. “Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies, and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?”

Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. “It tells me that someone has stolen our tent.”

http://www.laughfactory.com/

Question – Who do you look up to?

•October 13, 2016 • Comments Off on Question – Who do you look up to?

Who do you look up to?

So many people! I mean too many to count, really. Historical figures like Ada Lovelace and Edith Wharton, family members, friends, and colleagues. I’ve been told more than once that I to easily find positives in people and I will unapologetically state that it’s absolutely true.

Ada Lovelace and Edith Wharton both defied convention, family obligations, expectations to create lives that were entirely their own. Growing up in a restrictive household, I looked up to both women and often wondered how exactly they broke free. Here’s a talk I did on Ada a few years ago, it pretty clearly and in under 5 minutes outlines why I look up to her – Intro for Ignite Phoenix #13.

When it comes to people I actually know, I think that they all have one quality in common – boldness. I look at the family and friends that I cherish the most and all of them have an area in life where if they aren’t entirely fearless they are at the very least decisive and readily take chances and overcome challenges. I feel so lucky to be surrounded by so many bad ass women.

Top 10 Peeves About Life as a Woman

•October 12, 2016 • Comments Off on Top 10 Peeves About Life as a Woman

Top 10 Peeves About Life as a Woman

  1. Your Body Isn’t Yours

Doctors, teachers, coaches, bosses, male family members, care takers and complete strangers have groped me, touched me inappropriately or forced unwelcome physical contact on me and have all been astonished or even angry when I’ve said no.

                “Boys will be boys.” Boys should be taught to keep their hands to themselves.

“I didn’t mean it like that.” Hmmm grabbing my butt means what else?!

“But it felt good, right?” WTF!!

“You were asking for it!” While saying get off of me? M-kay…

  1. And You Better Look the Part

Because the moment you are not a perfect size, with perky everything, and impeccable makeup and hair, and a big smiling face you just aren’t going to measure up. Like Kim Kardashian’s “effortless makeup free face” … Uhh a face with full contouring, a smoky eye and fake eyelashes is neither effortless OR makeup free…but thanks for putting that out there.

  1. And Suck Up the Critiques

Well, naturally because if you aren’t looking the part then you’re going to have to deal with the BS – you become a flat chested, pig who doesn’t have the right “look”, you’re shrewish and lack stamina. And you don’t just get it from men, other women feel the need to shame you too. I’ll admit I’m grateful that I haven’t had to deal with much of this – something I should ever have to feel!! Because of the way that I look!! Because that matters?!

  1. And Be Feminine

Growing up I was often told to be a “little lady”, I still am not at all certain the that really means but based on the times it came up… don’t be tough, don’t get dirty, don’t have a voice, be quiet, accepting, play along and mind your manners always…be decorative!

  1. And NEVER EVER HAVE Emotions

Because they are not at all allowed! I mean men can be pissed, yell and scream, have tantrums, be rude, annoying or pushy and they’re given a pass but women? Well obviously we are PMSing, taking things personally and completely wrong about the situation – we’re being EMOTIONAL or CRAZY!

  1. Or Ambition

My favorite horrible male boss story was the time that I was told during a 90-day review that I was a bad mother because I wanted to move into management – that I’d have to devote so much effort and sacrifice so much time that my child would suffer for it. Never mind that I was working 80 hour weeks for him already….

  1. Or Independence

I’ll freely and repeatedly admit that I have trust and control issues. I prefer to have my own money, house, car and not have to depend on anyone to take care of me. And by prefer I mean I won’t have it any other way. That doesn’t make me butch or crazy. It just means that I have seen far too many women ruined because they didn’t have a backup plan and if I’m going to fall on my butt it’ll be because I screwed up, not anyone else.

  1. Or Needs

Because having your own needs that someone else has to live up to is right up there with having emotions but worse because now you are demanding… I can’t really apologize for setting expectations about how I want to be treated, or telling you when you aren’t meeting them. But if I’m a crazy bitch for expecting you to be honest, responsible and respectful – so be it.

  1. But Be Sensitive to Men

I was raised to be subservient and even submissive to men but not from the perspective that women were less than men. Instead I was told over and over that men were like children that needed extra care and handling, that by being submissive I was actually being the stronger one. That somehow by catering to my husband’s every need I would in turn be fulfilled… complete BS, utter nonsense, I cannot even. But I did and even now find myself holding my tongue because a man is demanding something first – lean in ladies.

  1. That I Should Strive to Have It All

I’ve come to realize that the worst thing that’s been imposed on me is this notion that I should be a wife, mother, daughter, worker, friend and exceed all of the expectations of those roles in order to be a well-rounded and fulfilled woman. That the sum of my service to others, my talents at juggling all of those requirements, and my ability to stay slim, cheerful and accomplished is the only true measure of my success as a woman.

Well… my child ate cereal for dinner and occasionally wore dirty clothes, I’ve screwed up projects, disappointed my parents, lost my cool, divorced my husband, been a miserable size 00 and a happy size 12, sacrificed friendships, ugly cried, gone to the grocery store in PJs and have been completely unproductive for entire weekends. And I’ve survived it all and feel like more of a woman for it.

At the end of all of this I can say one thing – it’s exhausting being a woman, being polite when you’re manhandled, being calm and quiet in the face of sexism, being the bigger person when I really want to pitch a fit, and just living in this world, in this body, day in and day out.

 

Spammy – Lawyers Are Not Friends

•October 11, 2016 • Comments Off on Spammy – Lawyers Are Not Friends

WEJ SOLICITORS UK
(Legal practitioners, Will, Finance & Probate Solicitor)
7-8 Essex Street, London WC2R 3LD. United Kingdom
Phone Number: +447053838275 or Fax number +448715046530.
E-mail: Barrister.Jenkins22@ben-lawyer.com

Dear Friend.

You know that saying beware of strangers bearing gifts? I think the same should apply to lawyers calling you ‘friend’.

I am Barrister Benjamin Jenkins, a Legal practitioner here in London and I wish to solicit your assistance in a deal that involves reasonable amount of money. This deal by virtue of its nature must be utterly confidential and top secret. Though I know that transaction of this magnitude will make any one apprehensive and worried, but I am assuring you that this will be done under a legitimate arrangement that will protect both of us from any breach of the law.

Naturally the phrases ‘utterly confidential’, ‘anyone apprehensive and worried’ and ‘legitimate arrangement’ totally go together.

Like I stated above, I am a Legal practitioner here in London and I came to know you in my private search for a reliable and reputable Business Person/individual that can handle this confidential deal with me, which requires maximum confidence and trust from both sides.

Oh yeah, I’m well known across the globe as a reliable Business Person.

MY PROPOSITION;

Finally..

I had a client by name Mr. Lam Konk who was one of the richest men in Hong kong but does most of his business in London. He was into several businesses before his untimely death by air crash. This website will give you comprehensive picture of what I am talking about http://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/asia/chinese-billionaire-lam-kok-feared-dead-along-with-12yearold-son-after-helicopter-crash-in-france-9019622.html
My client who died along with his son deposited the Sum of $41.7 Million (Forty One million, Seven Hundred Thousand United States Dollars Only) with a bank here in London.

Except that his name was Lam Kok and not Konk (it even says so in the link). There should be a special place in hell for spammy pushers who use actual people in their scams.

During the bank audit exercise, the bank discovered my late client’s deposit as an unclaimed credit balance, hence issued me a notice to provide any relatives of my client otherwise they will have the account closed and the fund confiscated. I have made several inquiries to his high commission to locate my client’s extended relatives, but all my efforts proved abortive, I then decided to trace his relatives or family member over the internet, and hence I found you as my instinct convinces me that you will be a trustworthy and honest business partner and I decided to contact you to assist me in repatriating my late client’s deposit before it is confiscated or declared unserviceable by the Financial institution where the fund is lodged.

You’re saying that you think I’m actually related to a deceased Chinese billionaire?! Proof positive that nothing on the internet is true!

I now seek your permission to present you as my deceased client relative and have you stand as the Next of Kin to my deceased client so that the funds of $41.7 Million (Forty One million, Seven Hundred Thousand United States Dollars Only) can be released and paid into your account as the beneficiary and next of kin.

You do realize, assuming you actually read the article you included, that Mr Kok’s wife is still alive…

I will provide all necessary legal documents that can be used to back up your claim. Please get in touch with me immediately if you are interested to assist me and send to me your contact address, and direct telephone number, then I will commence work in your name. Be informed that this transaction is risk free otherwise my chambers will not contact you because it is against our ethics. Please acknowledge receipt of this message in acceptance of our mutual business endeavor by furnishing me with the followings;

Of course it’s risk free… what could go wrong?!

1. YOUR FULL NAME
2) YOUR CONTACT ADDRESS
3) DIRECT TELEPHONE NUMBERS AND FAX NUMBERS
4) AGE
5) OCCUPATION
6) MARITAL STATUS
7) SEX

These requirements will enable us file letters of claim to the appropriate departments for necessary approvals in your favor. Call me as soon as you receive this message for further clarification.

Looking forward to your prompt response.Private e-mail to reply all your infos to : Barrister.Jenkins22@ben-lawyer.com

Yours Sincerely,

Barrister Benjamin Jenkins(Esq).
Phone Number: +447053838275 or Fax number +448715046530
E-mail: Barrister.Jenkins22@ben-lawyer.com

Kudos for actually using a phone number in Great Britain!

If – A Poem for Poetry Day

•October 7, 2016 • Comments Off on If – A Poem for Poetry Day

If

 

If I knew how to reach you, would I?

Tell you how these years’ have passed

And how my heart aches for a single glance

That hope has never faded here

For time has changed nothing

 

If I knew how to reach you, could I?

Make up for every mistake at last

And open your heart to one final chance

Resolve every doubt and every fear

For time should be soothing

 

If I knew how to reach you, should I?

Argue that who we are and were contrast

To prove from here we could advance

If for nothing else, to feel you near

For now, time is everything

Question – What is the one thing that you want to accomplish tomorrow?

•October 6, 2016 • Comments Off on Question – What is the one thing that you want to accomplish tomorrow?

What is the one thing that you want to accomplish tomorrow?

This has been a year of reassessing everything: lifestyle, money, job, volunteer time, friends, habits, health and family. I’ve been putting off making a decision on the largest impact to all of the above for the last week of so to make sure that I’m giving it the time and consideration it deserves.

Change is never easy and emotions play such a large part of the choices we make, I find that it’s hard, for me, not to get bogged down in options and outcomes. Tomorrow is the day that I have to wrap this all up and pick a path forward. Or at least the path for now…

 
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